The croissant shop was SCREAMING for me as I climbed the subway stairs from the 77th Street #6 train. My body lurched in the direction of the warm scent of freshly baked bread. It’s an assault on my senses, but this croissant was screaming for me long before I even got to 77th Street.

I do not want to feel.

Quick dialogue –
“It will make me feel better.”
“Are you kidding?!”
“I’ll eat fruit the rest of the day.”
“You’ll be asleep before your next client!”

I do not want to feel.

By the grace of God, I managed to steer myself from the tantilizing scent and move in the direction of my client’s home. Whew. Because I didn’t take the time to eat, I had time to sit.

I do not want to feel…
- overwhelmed
- stressed
- unorganized
- unhealthy
- anxious
- behind in work
- the loss of Gram

There…I can breathe again. It ain’t easy. When the food is SCREAMING at me, I have to find the strength to write down as quickly as possible what is it I do not want to feel.

Bottom line?!?

I am smack in the middle of grief and I do not want to aknowledge it. I do not want to feel it. And yet with gentle patience, I remind myself that it will take time. And no amount of croissants (or ice cream, or chips, or anything else I can shove in my mouth) will bring back Gram or soothe my pain. It’s a process. And it hurts like hell. But if I keep trying to hide behind my food, I will never move through this pain.

Dear God, give me strength.