As I approach the end of this month, it stands clear in my brain that I closed the studio six months ago. My body, however, has yet to fully integrate this shift in my life. I ran a studio in some form for the past 16 years. Before that, I can’t remember the last time I was home having dinner at my dining table.
I described this transition to a therapist friend as a “50 pound emotional weight loss.” I let go of the weight of maintaining a business rent in Manhattan. I let go of the late night and Saturday morning teaching hours. I let go of meals on the run. I have the space that I craved and the time that I needed. The question is, “Now what?”
I liken my transition to a crash diet – make major life changes all at once and then stand there and wonder what the heck I did, observe how people are responding to me, and learn to move differently in my life. The studio defined me – does the size of our physical beings define us? Without the studio, who am I? Without the weight, who am I?
I ache standing in this space. I am extremely uncomfortable. I crave filling the space with sweets (more projects) and late night TV. Am I stuck? Lost? Confused? No…I’m in life transition…so they tell me. :)
I too am stuck, lost and confused. Having been fired from my job at the beginning of the year, then losing my dad to cancer the first of Feb. I can’t bear to feel the pain. I think I have mourned but who knows how much mourning one has to do? I can’t find a job, or even know what kind of job I even want to have. To be 40 and have to list all your jobs on a applications really pisses me off. There is more to me than my work history.
I don’t want to leave the house. I am more comfortable just eating, sleeping, and watching tv then start all over the next day. I feel I am existing not only in life but even in a marriage that is lifeless as well.