The croissant shop was SCREAMING for me as I climbed the subway stairs from the 77th Street #6 train. My body lurched in the direction of the warm scent of freshly baked bread. It’s an assault on my senses, but this croissant was screaming for me long before I even got to 77th Street.
I do not want to feel.
Quick dialogue –
“It will make me feel better.”
“Are you kidding?!”
“I’ll eat fruit the rest of the day.”
“You’ll be asleep before your next client!”
I do not want to feel.
By the grace of God, I managed to steer myself from the tantilizing scent and move in the direction of my client’s home. Whew. Because I didn’t take the time to eat, I had time to sit.
I do not want to feel…
– overwhelmed
– stressed
– unorganized
– unhealthy
– anxious
– behind in work
– the loss of Gram
There…I can breathe again. It ain’t easy. When the food is SCREAMING at me, I have to find the strength to write down as quickly as possible what is it I do not want to feel.
Bottom line?!?
I am smack in the middle of grief and I do not want to aknowledge it. I do not want to feel it. And yet with gentle patience, I remind myself that it will take time. And no amount of croissants (or ice cream, or chips, or anything else I can shove in my mouth) will bring back Gram or soothe my pain. It’s a process. And it hurts like hell. But if I keep trying to hide behind my food, I will never move through this pain.
Dear God, give me strength.
Rochelle, I am so very sorry for your loss. And I am happy you shared your experience here. I am sure it touches a lot of people as it does me. XO
Wow, this is an excellent statement about the process of facing challenge. Powerful, intimate and insightful. Well done.
As an emotional eater, I struggle with the step of stopping and determining “why am I eating”. Most of the time I just give in and feel lousy about myself. This was so profound for me. You are so brave to share. I am sorry for your pain. As I ask God to give you the strength to face and endure your grief, I also ask he give me the strength to STOP and write down like you did. Food does not provide love and hugs. People do! Sending you love and hugs……