It has been nearly 9 months since I closed the studio and this morning I am finally beginning to understand how this entire process has manifested in my body.  On September 26th I blogged about a “50 pound emotional weight loss.”  Well now, the weight is coming back on and I’m fascinated with the relationship of physical weight and the weight of life.

I have been eating, drinking and not moving my body.  I walk up Murray Hill from 3rd Avenue to Park and feel winded for the first time in my life.  My knees ache, my hands and eyes are puffy and while I can attribute SOME changes to age, I am shocked at how my disrespect for my active lifestyle has led to these subtle changes.  My body is aware – my head is now getting the message.

So now I wonder, with all of these body signals, how come I still don’t feel like moving or eating and sleeping better?  What is it inside me that has to kick in in order fo me to get going again?  It’s almost like playing with fire – how close to “danger” can I go before I take action?

Fascinating – I “lost the weight” and now it is all coming back on – literally and physically – because I believe in this moment I must develop a new relationship with my body and my life that is shaped differently than the studio I ran for 16 years.  I do not know how to be this woman – perhaps like the woman who loses 50 physical pounds.  How do you respond to others?  How do you redefine yourself?  How do you maintain the new relationship with your body that is not fear-filled?  If these realitonships and sensations are not redefined and felt on a body-based level, is this WHY women put weight back on?

Fascinated and fearful all at the same time.  Elated with some of the changes I have made this year and freaked at my inability in this moment to integrate it all in my body.  Trying desperately to avoid the definition of stupidity – doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.  Now what?  What does one hold on to?  Myself?  How can I when I am in a million pieces and disconnected?

Faith in life and a higher being.  Faith in my journey.  Faith in my friends who stand by me in this transition.  Faith in the idea that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  Faith.  Really? 

I am the most uncomfortable I have ever been in my life.  There is nothing to hold onto but myself and faith.  Maybe with that, I can begin to move forward again and trust this process.  Maybe I can finally end this yo-yo lifestyle I have been leading since college – chaos and confusion.  Maybe now, my body will finally FEEL that I am safe and life can be peaceful in my body.  Faith – let me take your hand.